Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Secret Suffering

When I was a little girl, I was a 100% tomboy. I played boys baseball and was even the first girl to ever be on an all boys little league team. I had no fear. I had no worries. I was trusting. I was happy. I was innocent. I was protected UNTIL.....

It happened. Abuse. My innocence was stolden from me at such an early age. A big deep dark secret. One that has been a part of my life for years. A secret that has been hidden from friends and my own family for years and years. A deep dark ugly secret that is a part of me. Everything we experience in life, whether good or bad, becomes a part of our past. We may learn from the past, but we will never change it.

But, first we must deal with it!

I guess that is why secrets have such a deeper meaning to me. Those who love me understand my need to have an open and honest relationship. Trust was granted to someone who used me, and it has taken GOD to restore my trust (not in man, but) in HIM. When someone you trust asks you to keep something vile a secret, you fight the urge inside you to yell out..... "NO!......" You want to share what is happening, so that it will stop, but you feel pressure to keep quiet. So, I kept quiet. FOR YEARS.

I have been able to share my story and my past with my family this past year. Sharing my past has freed me. It has transformed me into a new person! Sharing my past has helped my family really understand me better. They understand why I am the way I am. I have been able to freely open up my life and be closer than ever to those around me. I have grieved and cried and have prayed that God would restore my hope. I have learned to forgive others, because that is what God commands. Through prayer, my heart began to change. I realized that God did not create me to feel hurt, but love. I have not had it easy, but true change and growth is never easy. But changed I am! I am a SURVIVOR! I have learned to accept myself and love myself for who I am. God did not make this horrible thing happen to me, SATAN did! He is the enemy. God is the comforter. God has wrapped me in HIS loving arms and gently shown me true love. I am not a victim anymore. I am not afraid of the future. Proverbs 31:25 NLT "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the furture." AMEN!


  1. Hi Robyn,

    I am moved and inspired by this post of yours. Your restoration by God's hand is amazing. I lof the part in the middle: "Through prayer, my heart began to change." Praise God.

  2. Ric,

    A family friend said it best about hurt, pain, and suffering at the hand of others. "You can choose to be better, or you can choose to be bitter!" I CHOOSE TO BE BETTER!