God has been working on me. Thank the Lord! I have been praying for God to create a new me, a better version of me, a me that is pleasing to Him. Change is not easy, and it has never been something that I have been comfortable with doing my whole life.
But............ being transformed into this "new creation in Christ", is necessary if I am to be who God created me to be. We all need transforming from our former selves, our natural self. Some of us, me in particular, need a lot of grace in the process.
I have not always been easy to live with, ........really. When God began to reveal myself to me, I had to face the fact that I had parts of me that were......... just plain...................... ugly.
I have had to face some pretty serious mess in me........ mess I don't want to admit........ BUT mess that needs to be dealt with. OK, big breath.......... I like to be in control. I can be very demanding of others. I can be self-absorbed. I can be whiny. I can be selfish. I can be opinionated. I can pout. And, I am sure God is going to continue to reveal myself to me, little by little.
You see, God has been revealing myself to me slowly for over a year now. He has transformed the , and He is still working on me in other areas.... little by little.
This journey has been very hard. Looking inside ourselves is never easy.............OKAY, it has been down right PAINFUL, but necessary for growth. These verses speak to me.
1 Peter 1:5-7 (Amplified Bible) "5Who are being guarded (garrisoned) by God's power through [your] faith [till you fully inherit that [a]final] salvation that is ready to be revealed [for you] in the last time. 6[You should] be exceedingly glad on this account, though now for a little while you may be distressed by trials and suffer temptations, 7So that [the genuineness] of your faith may be tested, [your faith] which is infinitely more precious than the perishable gold which is tested and purified by fire. [This proving of your faith is intended] to redound to [your] praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One) is revealed.
James 1:2-3 "Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are enveloped in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations. 3. Be assured and understand that the trial and proving of your faith bring out endurance and steadfastness and patience."
I have been praying for some specific things. One is that God would reveal myself to me so that I may be changed into who I am to be in Christ. Another prayer I have had involves, letting go of past hurts, failures, and disappointments, and giving God glory in the places He is taking me. I pray for the strength to endure this time of revelation, because it isn't without shame, guilt, anger, and sorrow. I so much want to blame others for the pain in my life. And the devil was having a hay-day with that one. God said to forgive. God said to love. God said to show mercy and grace. God paid the ultimate price to show us it can be done. He sent his beloved son to die for our wretched souls (love), and forgave us from our sins, by the blood of Jesus on the cross (forgiveness), while we were yet sinners (mercy and grace).
Let me say that I have fought this HARD.............. real submission. As unto Christ. I have been in a pit of Hell of my own making and I finally got fed up with it. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, dwelling only on my needs and wants, and claiming to be Christ-like in the process. Real submission for me is the hardest thing to ever do. But, GOD laid it on my heart like this........ Robyn, you need to die to yourself everyday. Do not do what you think and feel, but do what I say. Submit to me, totally.... and I will give you peace!
And ya know what............... I finally GOT IT. It is not about what others are doing for me. It is not about how others are making me feel. It is not about ME. It is about dying to self, and thinking of someone, anyone, other than myself for the first time in a very, very long time.
Can you imagine living with the "old me?" God help my family: my husband, my son, my parents, and the others who have had to live with..................me. I have hidden behind the label of "sexually abused" for too long. I am not a victim unless I chose that role............... and I don't like myself in that role. That role is not pleasing to God.
My personal favorite verse says: 1 Timothy 1:7 "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control."
I have been "feeling" the change coming, but I have been fighting to totally let go. God has no doubt transformed me. And I pray He continues to do so throughout my whole life.
Truly, my BIGGEST fear is not being in obedience to God. When I confessed this fear to Him...... the anointing came. PEACE. God knows my desires. God knows my hidden desires too. God knows me intimately. I can't hide from Him. Thank God for his grace.... I need grace. (we all do) I need to extend God's mercy and grace to others, just like He did for me.
God can heal, change and restore. He has done that within me. My sins have been hidden, even from me. I thank God for showing me myself. I told my dad the other day that I didn't want "this journey" to end, until I knew 100% that my change had "stuck".... you know what I mean. I wanted the changes in me, not to be superfical or temporary, but everlasting. I never want to be that selfish, self-centered, victim, ever again.
The only way I know how to keep this new life, this "new me" from reverting back to the "old me" is to stay in God's word. Spend time in meditation and prayer daily. And thank God daily for His blessings.
To my family, especially my husband. I pray God will soften your heart to see and trust that this "new me" is for real. I could not be the wife, mother and friend; you needed until God did some serious surgery in me. I am not perfect, nor complete in my transformation......... this newness is just beginning. This is a God thing. And He is the only one who can truly complete it! AMEN