Damaged goods....

For years I blamed myself for the abuse. For years I held in the pain. For years I wanted to feel "normal." For years I longed to be loved. For years I wanted someone to protect me. You want to know what being abused does to someone............................... really? It creates in them a mindset that "I am not worthy of love" that I am here for to be USED and mistreated. That my feelings don't mean anything..........because I don't matter. When you are abused by someone who is suppose to LOVE and PROTECT you............... it does major damage. I held in my little "secret" for years. WHY? because the person I SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOTALLY ABLE TO TRUST told me to me to "keep it a secret" DON'T TELL ANYONE or YOU will get in trouble. As an adult, I just want to hold that little girl and tell her........."Honey, it is not your fault!"  It never was! I kept that secret from my own mother and father for over 35 years. I held inside my heart: a major life event, a trama, an unspeakable injustice, for YEARS. Do you know what it is to feel like to be "damaged goods?"  That sex is for someone else's pleasure, not your own. To feel that no MAN can ever really love you? That no MAN will ever protect you? That YOU are totally on your own in this world? because..................YOU ARE NOT WORTH LOVING! The HURT that still resides in my heart over the decisions I have made in my life because I have felt....................................unloved. The way I accept unkindness, hateful, disrespectful, unloving behavior is totally...............wrong.

By the BLESSED LOVE OF CHRIST JESUS, I am healing. God is healing me................bit by broken bit. When I stand before HIM I really hope HE tells me WHY.......... I just want to know...................................... I want to be able to KNOW what real love is.......... I want to be protected. I want to be cherished......................really cherished just because I was created. I want to have that "normal", or what seems to be normal...........because I don't know that I will ever really understand what "NORMAL" looks like, feels like. I know God is the healer.......... . I know God loves me.......... Because, I have begged God to take me home to Glory more times than I can count.  It isn't that I am ungrateful for "life" , it is because I KNOW THERE IS FREEDOM from the PAIN.  That day when we move from this life.....we will move into.....REAL LIFE!

My favorite verse is Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs with no fear of the future" I am ready to laugh!
So......... why am I sharing this all NOW? Because I know comfort, hope and healing.  That something good can come from something evil.
If you have held in a "secret" that was to protect someone else, it is harmful not only to you, but to them.  People who really love you, don't treat you in private differently than they do in public. If someone is abusing you.............. TELL SOMEONE! Get help! Get into church and get into God's word. Only HE can save you. Only Christ's love can heal your brokenness. Only Christ can give you the LOVE you will need to FORGIVE. Because YOU CAN FEEL LOVED...... by CHRIST! You can feel worthy. You can feel cherished. You can feel protected. If God can carry me through my journey, HE can take you through yours too! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE LOVED! YOU ARE LOVED! because......................GOD IS LOVE!