To Sum It Up

Our story began in 1983. I met my husband on a Saturday night, and we had our first date the very next weekend. We were still in high school and it was love at first sight. There was just “something” about him. A comfort, an expression, a familiarity, that was there from the beginning. We dated three plus years. We had our one and only son seven years later. We argued rarely. He worked. I worked. And life became routine. Around the time our son turned four, we had the first warning sign. I blamed the internet and chat rooms. I never looked inward as to my role, perhaps that my lack of attention had anything to do with it. I was betrayed. I became even more distant. He asked for forgiveness, and my broken heart said, “I will,” but my bruised soul said, “I can’t.” Perhaps, it was even, “I won’t.”
Ten years pass by and we decide to build a new home, our dream home. And almost six months to the day we broke ground, January 17, 2009, my life changed. On a clear, cold winter morning, I woke up at 4:30am and I knew what I needed to do. I went outside and retrieved his cell phone. I sat there looking at all the erased messages, erased phone calls, erased history of searches, and at 5:30am a new message came through. It had only two words, “Good Morning.” It was from a woman I did not know. And at that moment, everything began to make sense, the distance between us, arguing over every little issue, working at the house until two in the morning, not answering my phone calls.
Bruised, broken, devastated and lost are the only words that could describe how I felt. Not only had I lost my husband, I had lost my best friend. I was angry for a short second, but revenge never overtook me. I was in a state of shock. We separated and tried counseling, but my husband’s heart was closed to me. I remember telling him, “Snap out of it.” He became even more bitter, mean and narcissistic. Mid life crisis some call it, but I felt he was truly in a battle for his very soul.
I begged God, I prayed, I wept, and I stood. And while I stood for my marriage, God changed me. I guess I thought at first, that my husband was the one who needed to change. He sinned. I didn’t look at my own contributing behaviors or attitudes. But, as I read God’s word, I began to see myself, my own sin, my own heart and it was just as impure as his. “Secret sin.” Not visible on the outside, but harbored deep within our hearts.
I would have loved for this fairy tale story to have had a quick and stress free ending. But it took three and a half years, three separations, three churches twenty-four hour prayer watch, two counselors, two homes, and many nights on my knees, and one broken man for our marriage to begin a turn towards restoration. And now, five years since that devastating text message, our marriage is better than either of us could have ever imagined. Not because we fixed it, but because of the mercy and grace poured out to us from our loving heavenly father.
Standing for marriage is not easy. I could not have done it without a strong faith, wonderful Christian parents, a body of believers that prayed unceasing, and many other people that crossed my path with words of encouragement.

I'm not without sin, are any of us?

It's time

I began this blog at the beginning of a devastating time in my marriage.
God is good and faithful to those who believe.

I believe in marriage. I believe it is a commitment unto God, not man.

I prayed, I wrote, I cried, I fasted, I begged, I gave up, I was broken....
But I never stopped believing.

God answers prayers.

Our marriage today is nothing like our marriage of before... Before God took us through fire, refined us, and created in us a new heart.

My story will never end... My story of a marriage saved, just began.

Praise His Holy Name!

I'm leaving this blog behind... And beginning new elsewhere. Not sure where, not sure what, but God.changed me (CHanGE) my original title of my blog.

I'm a better person, a better wife, a better friend, and a growing faithful lover of my Lord Jesus Christ.

Thank you for your comments, your support, your prayers.

God bless you, God bless each husband and wife...
Believe in change.... But let it begin in you.

With love,

Robyn

Satan's Strategies

I am a beat yourself up kinda girl. Always been. Even though I have really worked on this relentlessly... It still remains.

Satan tells me....  "You aren't GOOD enough."

I am the least perfect person in my own eyes. I don't need others to judge me, I do plenty of that for myself. I don't need my faults revealed, believe me.... They haunt me every single day.

I grew up in a very conservative Southern Baptist home. My father was a pastor. My mother was the picture perfect preacher's wife...and I was the rebellious child. Perfect sterotype. Epic failure. And I was reminded of how "Unchristian" my behavior reflected upon my father's ministry.... Often.

This reminder of what I should be, and how I'm NOT what I'm suppose to be... Seemed to be always playing in the back of my mind.   It didn't help add to the fact that I was in search of acceptance and love.

I have played many parts in my adult life searching for love and acceptance.  Roles that were defined by my upbringing.

Are we who we think we are? I'm I who I am, or who I'm trying to be?

I've come to realize.... I'm never going to be perfect, perhaps always far from it, but my imperfections don't define me. Satan wants me to feel beat down, unworthy, lacking... Those feelings and thoughts are not of Christ. The Holy Spirit is not trying to convict me of my sins by pointing a finger at me, scowling in disgust...

That is not what Christ's love is about.  If the greatest command to us as Christians is to love.... those judgmental, disapproving, accusing traits are contrary to everything I believe about Jesus Christ, Mercy and Grace.

Did becoming saved place a covering over only the Christian's sins.... And not the sins of the world.

I am 46 years old. I have had a very warped view of what being saved by grace is all about...if it means, my sins define me.

Satan wants me to live in an oppressed state. To feel less deserving, less worthy, less loved if I sin. Reminding me over and over of my failures.... my ROLE...

I'm a sinner, saved by GRACE!

I love Jesus. I know my Savior and we have a real relationship.  Do you know how I know our relationship is real, even when I fail?.....

The BIBLE tells me so.

Satan uses many strategies to turn us away from Christ... in the end... He loses. End of story.

Breathe...

Sometimes it is good just to breathe.... Take in all your blessings and look at life with a new perspective. Sometimes it takes a death, sometimes a life, sometimes a break-up, sometimes a job change....but sometimes it is just as simple as life gets overwhelming.... and in the mess of it.... you struggle for air.

There are times I have found myself holding my breath.... and I didn't even know it. Perhaps I was suffocating more than I ever knew it. Life pressing down on me for so long that before I even realized it.... I was barely breathing at all.

Like a fish out of water, gasping for air.............

I thank God for those in my life who have been my life line. Holding my head above water, or rescuing me, when I didn't have the strength on my own.

Venom

I did it. I spewed forth venom.

I ranted. I raved. I stomped my feet. I accused. I defiled. I blamed.

Some times we all just need to BLOW, but the problem with that is I blew up at someone else. Whether I felt justified or not in slaying this dragon, I am never quite happy with myself when I become the accuser.

and

That, my friends, is what I did. I felt hurt by a friend. I felt neglected, taken advantage of and instead of being an ADULT, I attacked. I don't like being attacked, but more than that,

 I DO NOT LIKE MYSELF AFTER I ATTACK.

Well, done.....perfect little Christian. (sarcasm).

To say that this friendship will be healed is presumptuous at this point. But whether or not that happens, I have to live with my actions and my reactions, ask forgiveness, and see what the future holds.

No one likes to be on the receiving end of spewed venom.... I know, because I have been on that end before as well. But regardless of which end you are on..... it's never cool.

Out of the DARKNESS.

I struggle with the dark.

Literally, darkness makes me uncomfortable.

I don't like what I can't see. Nighttime makes me uneasy. Predators hunt under the cover of darkness.... sneaking, stalking, preying on the weak. 

And........ yet ............ I have dark areas of my life... sin.

I like to hide "my darkness" from others. I want to be seen only in the light. Hidden from the judgment of the "better thans" the, "you shoulds", the "perfect people".....

I am not comfortable being issued a sentence of hell and damnation for my sins from a fellow sinner. Aren't we all sinners..

Romans 3:23 ...

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

I was once that Perfect Polly. (sarcasm)
                                       Casting my Godly views on the weak, the unclean, the fallen.... I helped to reap coals on their heads, throwing stones at their already bruised and broken bodies. 

but......... then............everything changed. Someone I loved dearly, fell.
And fell hard into that dark place. That hidden place, that place of shame....loss.....destruction.
............and for the life of me I could not condemn them. I could not cast my piercing darts of fire and brimstone upon them.  I found the one thing that I should have had towards all mankind throughout my whole life........mercy and grace.

1 Timothy 1:15

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. "

Darkness wants to engulf us. The evil one lurks to pounce on those who are weak....and we all have weaknesses. We need a Protector, a Rescuer, ...............a Savior. Who offers HOPE when we fall, grace when we fail, and mercy to heal our brokenness.

To be Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. C.S.Lewis

I Breathed...

I just breathed, really exhaled for the first time in three years.
I have been in the worse place of my life, and at the same time, felt more loved than I had ever known before.
During these trials, dissapointments..... time of pure saddness, Christ arose in me. Reminded me that I am HIS, have always been HIS, even when I was the one thrown aside......and even in my deepest despair.
Yesterday, I walked outside to the most glorious day. I looked out across the lake and saw the sun glistening off the water and I exhaled.

At that moment, God spoke to me. "Well done, my good and faithful servant, You don't have to fear anymore, this is your blessing. Just drink it in!"
We are living in the house we all built, I am married to the same man I first fell in love with 28 years ago,  and we are all still a family............. but mostly ..............I have PEACE, JOY, and PRAISE.We made it. Our marriage made it. Our family made it. Now, I can breathe. 
It may only last a day, or it may last forever, but for now...........  I know it's time to LIVE ...every single day! Breathing in God's goodness.

Psalm 100

 ¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
 ² Worship the LORD with gladness;
   come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the LORD is God.
   It is he who made us, and we are his;
   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
   and his courts with praise;
   give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Fragile

.Ever feel fragile? Breakable.....

I feel vunerable, unsure, alone, confused, angry, depressed, insignificant...

More times than I'd like to ever admit.

Broken trust can do that.  Leave a deep crevasse of doubt, insecurity.

I'm not healed...not even close, but closer than I was ....

Time can heal all wounds they say...but time moves slowly when the wounds are deep and scars remain.

Praise Him in the storm...one song I listen to reminds me...

Because through them, I am not the same.... Never the same...

But a survivor..... A warrior....

And when I stand before the Lord God Almighty.... I will hear Him say..

Well done.... My good and faithful servant.  Well done.