Satan's Strategies

I am a beat yourself up kinda girl. Always been. Even though I have really worked on this relentlessly... It still remains.

Satan tells me....  "You aren't GOOD enough."

I am the least perfect person in my own eyes. I don't need others to judge me, I do plenty of that for myself. I don't need my faults revealed, believe me.... They haunt me every single day.

I grew up in a very conservative Southern Baptist home. My father was a pastor. My mother was the picture perfect preacher's wife...and I was the rebellious child. Perfect sterotype. Epic failure. And I was reminded of how "Unchristian" my behavior reflected upon my father's ministry.... Often.

This reminder of what I should be, and how I'm NOT what I'm suppose to be... Seemed to be always playing in the back of my mind.   It didn't help add to the fact that I was in search of acceptance and love.

I have played many parts in my adult life searching for love and acceptance.  Roles that were defined by my upbringing.

Are we who we think we are? I'm I who I am, or who I'm trying to be?

I've come to realize.... I'm never going to be perfect, perhaps always far from it, but my imperfections don't define me. Satan wants me to feel beat down, unworthy, lacking... Those feelings and thoughts are not of Christ. The Holy Spirit is not trying to convict me of my sins by pointing a finger at me, scowling in disgust...

That is not what Christ's love is about.  If the greatest command to us as Christians is to love.... those judgmental, disapproving, accusing traits are contrary to everything I believe about Jesus Christ, Mercy and Grace.

Did becoming saved place a covering over only the Christian's sins.... And not the sins of the world.

I am 46 years old. I have had a very warped view of what being saved by grace is all about...if it means, my sins define me.

Satan wants me to live in an oppressed state. To feel less deserving, less worthy, less loved if I sin. Reminding me over and over of my failures.... my ROLE...

I'm a sinner, saved by GRACE!

I love Jesus. I know my Savior and we have a real relationship.  Do you know how I know our relationship is real, even when I fail?.....

The BIBLE tells me so.

Satan uses many strategies to turn us away from Christ... in the end... He loses. End of story.

Breathe...

Sometimes it is good just to breathe.... Take in all your blessings and look at life with a new perspective. Sometimes it takes a death, sometimes a life, sometimes a break-up, sometimes a job change....but sometimes it is just as simple as life gets overwhelming.... and in the mess of it.... you struggle for air.

There are times I have found myself holding my breath.... and I didn't even know it. Perhaps I was suffocating more than I ever knew it. Life pressing down on me for so long that before I even realized it.... I was barely breathing at all.

Like a fish out of water, gasping for air.............

I thank God for those in my life who have been my life line. Holding my head above water, or rescuing me, when I didn't have the strength on my own.

Venom

I did it. I spewed forth venom.

I ranted. I raved. I stomped my feet. I accused. I defiled. I blamed.

Some times we all just need to BLOW, but the problem with that is I blew up at someone else. Whether I felt justified or not in slaying this dragon, I am never quite happy with myself when I become the accuser.

and

That, my friends, is what I did. I felt hurt by a friend. I felt neglected, taken advantage of and instead of being an ADULT, I attacked. I don't like being attacked, but more than that,

 I DO NOT LIKE MYSELF AFTER I ATTACK.

Well, done.....perfect little Christian. (sarcasm).

To say that this friendship will be healed is presumptuous at this point. But whether or not that happens, I have to live with my actions and my reactions, ask forgiveness, and see what the future holds.

No one likes to be on the receiving end of spewed venom.... I know, because I have been on that end before as well. But regardless of which end you are on..... it's never cool.

Out of the DARKNESS.

I struggle with the dark.

Literally, darkness makes me uncomfortable.

I don't like what I can't see. Nighttime makes me uneasy. Predators hunt under the cover of darkness.... sneaking, stalking, preying on the weak. 

And........ yet ............ I have dark areas of my life... sin.

I like to hide "my darkness" from others. I want to be seen only in the light. Hidden from the judgment of the "better thans" the, "you shoulds", the "perfect people".....

I am not comfortable being issued a sentence of hell and damnation for my sins from a fellow sinner. Aren't we all sinners..

Romans 3:23 ...

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

I was once that Perfect Polly. (sarcasm)
                                       Casting my Godly views on the weak, the unclean, the fallen.... I helped to reap coals on their heads, throwing stones at their already bruised and broken bodies. 

but......... then............everything changed. Someone I loved dearly, fell.
And fell hard into that dark place. That hidden place, that place of shame....loss.....destruction.
............and for the life of me I could not condemn them. I could not cast my piercing darts of fire and brimstone upon them.  I found the one thing that I should have had towards all mankind throughout my whole life........mercy and grace.

1 Timothy 1:15

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. "

Darkness wants to engulf us. The evil one lurks to pounce on those who are weak....and we all have weaknesses. We need a Protector, a Rescuer, ...............a Savior. Who offers HOPE when we fall, grace when we fail, and mercy to heal our brokenness.

To be Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. C.S.Lewis

I Breathed...

I just breathed, really exhaled for the first time in three years.
I have been in the worse place of my life, and at the same time, felt more loved than I had ever known before.
During these trials, dissapointments..... time of pure saddness, Christ arose in me. Reminded me that I am HIS, have always been HIS, even when I was the one thrown aside......and even in my deepest despair.
Yesterday, I walked outside to the most glorious day. I looked out across the lake and saw the sun glistening off the water and I exhaled.

At that moment, God spoke to me. "Well done, my good and faithful servant, You don't have to fear anymore, this is your blessing. Just drink it in!"
We are living in the house we all built, I am married to the same man I first fell in love with 28 years ago,  and we are all still a family............. but mostly ..............I have PEACE, JOY, and PRAISE.We made it. Our marriage made it. Our family made it. Now, I can breathe. 
It may only last a day, or it may last forever, but for now...........  I know it's time to LIVE ...every single day! Breathing in God's goodness.

Psalm 100

 ¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.
 ² Worship the LORD with gladness;
   come before him with joyful songs.
³ Know that the LORD is God.
   It is he who made us, and we are his;
   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving
   and his courts with praise;
   give thanks to him and praise his name.
⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Fragile

.Ever feel fragile? Breakable.....

I feel vunerable, unsure, alone, confused, angry, depressed, insignificant...

More times than I'd like to ever admit.

Broken trust can do that.  Leave a deep crevasse of doubt, insecurity.

I'm not healed...not even close, but closer than I was ....

Time can heal all wounds they say...but time moves slowly when the wounds are deep and scars remain.

Praise Him in the storm...one song I listen to reminds me...

Because through them, I am not the same.... Never the same...

But a survivor..... A warrior....

And when I stand before the Lord God Almighty.... I will hear Him say..

Well done.... My good and faithful servant.  Well done.

Uncomfortable?

My family dynamics have changed over the last year... Empty nest has a whole new meaning.

My son is away in college. My house is quiet. Our meals are simplier...cereal is an easy one to fix...

I've struggled this year... During this transition...

Lost in the unfamiliar.....

With lots of time on my hands to think about those changes...and to be honest.... I've not done as well as I wish I had...at this point.

Change.... I do not do it well.

But, I'm trying.

Trying to find my place....finding my purpose...my self.

Sometimes we hold onto the old because it is comfortable.....familiar....and secure...

But there will be times in our lives that we are forced to change direction......and in those times.....we experience growing pains.

I think we will all go through times of major life changes.

Births, deaths, kids leaving home, marriage stresses, personal battles..and such.

It's in these times we are pulled to and fro that in the midst of the caios we find who we are as an individual...what we stand for, who we depend on, who we really ARE.

I'm learning to be comfortable with my new life...my new role, my new purpose.

I know the plans I have for you..... Jeremiah 29:11.

So glad I have a Savior to lead me there....

Thorns among the Roses...

You ever wanted your life to be a bed of roses?

2 Corinthians 12

EVER HAD A THORN?

A SITUATION- A PAIN- A PROBLEM- A TEMPTATION-
A NEED- A SICKNESS- A PERSON- A BURDEN

Life is not about walking among the ROSES............... but learning to appreciate their beauty, while dodging their thorns.

Carefully handled        Closely guarded          Gently held

because of the THORNS.

If God didn't allow pain in your life, would you be dependent on him? Would pride take over? Would our own value be so elevated that we wouldn't need anyone else...because we got it all.......on our own. We wouldn't need comfort. We wouldn't need direction. We wouldn't long for something better, easier, less hurtful.

Where would I be if I had such a sense of ENTITLEMENT- ELITISM? Would I need a Jesus? Would I need a S A V I O R ?

2 Corn. 12 7-10

⁷ Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me—to keep me from exalting myself! ⁸ Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. ⁹And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

Do I know that the thorn is there because God is teaching me to be dependent on HIM ALONE...his Grace. His Power. I can BEG for the thorn to be removed...............but the THORN keeps me closer to HIM. 

If we could see the end all, the "big picture", the PLAN.............. would I really want that thorn removed? If the END IS HEAVEN OR HELL, I think anything that keeps me leaning on Jesus.... is more of a blessing than a hindrance.

And perhaps, I should praise him for the thorns......